A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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