Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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