Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
