I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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