she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
