i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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