so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
