I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
