Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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