I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
