Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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