there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
