My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
