did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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