I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
