I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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