It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
