Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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