how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
