considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
