i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i need an iv and a liver transplant
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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