Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I love you. Go after that dick
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
