If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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