I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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