You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
