Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
