You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
