There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
