I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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