listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
