Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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