wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
