how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
