my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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