life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
