i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
