I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
farters have to be the big spoon...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
