Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
