My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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