I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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