I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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