Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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