3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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