I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I need a burrito and a hug.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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