I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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