Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
