Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
