i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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