im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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