Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
